Birthday Boy
by Marzella
Summary: He loved her more than the island, more than life, but it wasn't enough to withstand fate. BenAnnie. Reviews appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Lost or any of its characters.

* * *

Chapter 1

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus **__**c.1991**_

_It would have been almost funny if I hadn't known. All of them, lying on the ground or draped inelegantly over benches, as if someone had cast a sleeping spell over the entire barracks. When Richard and the others were well out of __sight, after I had told them not to retrieve my father's body, I saw him; Joe Anderton, sprawled awkwardly on the grass. I had always imagined that, when this day came, I would be immeasurably glad to have caused his death; this idiot of a man whom you had cared for, who had had you first. But it was the most hollow of victories._

* * *

She had been crying for a long time. At first she had brushed the tears away roughly with the back of her hand, until her eyes had felt sore. Now she just let them fall. She was sitting on the cool grass, her knees brought up almost to her chin, in the small, shaded patch of woodland which she regarded as _her_ place; the place where she came to think and be alone. It was situated behind a dense semicircle of trees, practically hidden from view, near to the fence. When she was fifteen, after her father's funeral, she had very nearly thrown herself through that fence. _He_ had talked her out of it of course; brought her here and held her tightly until she had calmed down enough for him to let her go. They had never spoken of it since. The thought of it still made her feel deeply ashamed and he knew it. He had always seemed to know what she was feeling. Today was no exception.

"Annie."

She cursed herself for not going somewhere else. It would have been obvious to him to look for her here.

"Go away, Ben," she said without turning to look at him, and immediately regretted her harshness. "I'm sorry. I just want to be on my own. Please go."

He didn't, of course. Instead, he walked slowly to where she was sitting and knelt down beside her on the grass, looking at her with the especially intense gaze he seemed to reserve only for her. They had known each other for eleven years and that stare still made her feel nervous.

"I thought I asked you to leave," she said after a few moments, more kindly this time.

"Oh, I think you know me better than that, Annie," he replied, flashing her that little smirk of his that had infuriated her so many times in the past.

"You shouldn't have come here," she said. "This isn't fair."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know very well what I mean. I''ve ruined your birthday. I can be so selfish..."

"Annie, by now you should have realised that my birthdays never turn out to be particularly happy occasions."

Annie wondered if there had ever been a single day in Ben's life that had made him truly happy. She turned to him and placed her hand on his arm. "He forgot again, didn't he?"

His reply came rather too quickly to be entirely convincing. "It's been twenty-one years, Annie. It hardly shocks me any more."

He never showed how truly hurt he was. This year, like every other year, she would have to be angry enough for the both of them. "Well it still shocks me."

They sat together for a few minutes, unmoving, until Annie finally broke the silence. "He was always jealous of you, you know," she said. "Joe, I mean."

Ben glanced skywards, an empty smile playing on his lips. "I very much doubt that," he replied.

"Oh, he was. He never liked how close you and I were." She felt almost embarrassed saying those words as Ben's eyes turned back to her intently. "I mean, we'd always been such good friends and... Joe never liked sharing anything. Not that it matters now, I suppose."

He hadn't broken his gaze. She doubted he'd even blinked. She was, as she had always been, the first to look away; bowing her head as more tears began to fall.

"Annie. Don't cry." There was something almost stern in his tone that made her sense that this had not been a request. She snapped her head up sharply, angry now through the tears.

"Don't tell me what to do, Ben," she snapped. "I'll cry if I want to. I'll sit here and cry all night if I feel like it!"

The smirk was back on his lips again, making her feel foolish and ridiculous. She was twenty and just as fiercely intelligent as he was, yet she sounded like a sulky five-year-old and she hated that he had heard it. She felt the heat rush to her face and hoped that in the half-light, Ben wouldn't notice her blush.

"Annie, look at me."

She did, almost without thinking.

"You're upset and you're angry, Annie, but you need to stop this. Now you can be as furious as you want with me; take it all out on me, say whatever you like. Don't imagine you could ever hurt or offend me. But I will not let you sit here and cry over a man that doesn't deserve you and never, ever has deserved you. Do you hear me?"

"Why did he do it?" she said in a strangled sob. "I don't... if I did something wrong, I don't know, I can't think what I... He never said that he... Ben, it was in front of _everyone_."

"I know, Annie. I saw."

"I was just a joke, wasn't I? If he had ever cared for me at all, he would have just ended it. If he had ever felt anything for me, he wouldn't have wanted to humiliate me so much!"

"May I ask you something?"

A little startled at his matter-of-fact tone, Annie stopped sobbing and stared at Ben through teary eyes. "Um... yes?"

"Are you hurt because of what he did or because you've lost him?"

His expression was completely innocent but his eyes remained intense, as if everything depended on her answer to his question. "Because of what he did, Ben," she said quietly, trying to breathe evenly. "It's not as if I _loved_ him. It hadn't got that far. We were just... oh, God, but what he _did_..."

It happened very suddenly. A moment of stillness, then a cold hand turning her face, another hand on her shoulder and his lips crashing onto her own. It was clumsy and awkward and all wrong. He pressed his lips so hard onto hers that she instinctively pulled away almost immediately. Annie saw the expression on Ben's face then and knew that she could hurt him after all. He looked devastated; something she had never seen in him before. Even with everything he had been through he had never let his eyes betray him once, but now he looked positively wounded and it suddenly dawned on her why. _He's never kissed a girl before. _

_I should be angry_, she thought. _You don't move in on a girl minutes after she loses her boyfriend, when she's still crying over him, you just don't._ Yet, strangely, she found she wasn't angry at all.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out, looking at the ground. "I didn't… I'm sorry."

She stared at him, her best friend, her Ben, sitting inches away from her, utterly crushed, eyes averted, and wondered what on earth she could do to make him look at her again. Then, after what seemed like a very long time, she made a decision. And then it was her turn to take him by surprise, lifting his chin very gently, running a hand through his hair and kissing him softly. This time when they broke apart, neither one of them felt the least trace of embarrassment. All the hurt had disappeared from Ben's features, replaced with a look that was earnest and hopeful.

"Annie, I love you," he said, so quietly it was almost a whisper. "I always have."

Everything can change in a fraction of a second. Things Annie never knew she felt suddenly surfaced at his words. She was at once light-headed, elated, relieved… More than anything however, she was annoyed that he had waited so long to tell her.

"I love you too," she said as they fell gently into each other's arms; a perfect fit.

* * *

Ben allowed himself a smile as he cradled Annie in his arms, breathing in the scent of her hair as she rested her head on his shoulder. She smelled like jasmine, like evening on the island. He had held her before; awkward embraces to comfort her or congratulate her, but now everything was different. For years he had dreamed of this and now it had finally happened. He only wished he could have made it happen in another way, one less painful for her. When Joe Anderton had begun to deride and insult her in front of all her friends and co-workers, Ben had fought every instinct in his body to rush to her defence immediately. The wounded, devastated look in her eyes – those beautiful, wise eyes - had almost broken his heart. Almost, but not enough to make it stop before she ran away towards the fence in floods of tears.

He had to admit, Joe had surprised him. He had always been obnoxious and something of a bully, but as it turned out, the boy had a streak of rather imaginative viciousness in him as well. He had used every last weapon in his possession to hurt Annie. Calling her dull and needy and pathetic, revealing secrets she had told him in strict confidence and laughing as he spoke them, telling her he was bored of her and that she had been nothing more than a joke to him, just a silly girl he could easily string along, and all the time looking at her as though she was the most ridiculous, disappointing thing he had ever seen. He had certainly done what he was told. Ben reassured himself that any fool willing to give Annie up merely for the chance to have Ben write his final year assignments for him was better off out of her life, no matter how much it had torn her apart. Ben had known for weeks that Joe was failing. He also knew the expectations Joe's parents had of him and what their reaction would be if he achieved anything less than the highest grades. The Andertons were extremely well-respected within the Dharma Initiative and, beneath all the bravado and arrogance, Joe was terrified of letting them down. So Ben had approached him one afternoon and made him an offer. To his disgust, Joe had needed barely a second to think about it.

Yes. He had done the right thing, albeit in a particularly cruel way. Annie, his best friend, his only friend, whom he had worshipped since they were both children, was in his arms; the end justifies the means, as Richard Alpert frequently told him. It was beyond doubt that Ben loved her more deeply and more completely than anyone else ever could. She was his, finally, and he had no intention of ever letting her go.

He just had to make sure Joe Anderton kept quiet.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus c.**__** 2004**_

_JS has agreed to operate on me tomorrow. Naturally he has arrived at this decision after much____ petulant whining and throwing tantrums and pulling that dreadful facial expression of his, but I suppo__se it will be worth it in the end. ____You would hate him, my dear. I can barely stand him myself. ____He will not listen to reason and refuses to accept that he could ever be wrong.____ I suppose you would point ____out that I am exactly the same, although my arrogan__ce is at least accompanied by some degree of intelligence._

_I'm so scared, Annie.____ I hate myself for it, but I can't help it. I stil__l do not understand why this has happened to me when I believed it impossible. Is it my punishment for what I did to you? _

* * *

They had met on Ben's first day on the island. She had come over to talk to him, to welcome him. She had introduced him to everyone at school and stayed with him when they chose to shun him. He had never told her that she was the first friend he had ever had, but he guessed that she had probably worked that out. She had made fun of the way he lined up his pencils and books so neatly on the desk, perfectly aligned. She would lean over when the teacher's back was turned and doodle in his exercise book to annoy him, or pass notes to him written on scraps of paper folded up into tiny squares and didn't seem to mind when he never wrote back. She laughed when he made sarcastic comments about their classmates and he knew she wasn't pretending just to humour him. He would walk her home every afternoon and wonder why she always looked a little strange and sad when he left her at her door, as if she had wanted him to do or say something differently. He wished he had been able to read her mind then, as he usually could. He wished he'd known what it was she wanted.

Naturally, their friendship had always been a running joke with everyone else at the school. No one could quite understand why Annie Tyler – beautiful, sociable and well-liked – would choose to spend time with the school pariah. Ben knew he unnerved almost all of the class simply by being Benjamin Linus; the quiet, inscrutable boy with the sharp wit and the relentless stare who made everyone else feel a little less clever and a little more tense when they were near him. He remembered when Joe Anderton had spent a rather dull geology lesson guessing what everyone would do after graduation. Annie, he promised, would win a Nobel Prize before she was thirty. Ben, the last to have his future predicted, would grow up to be 'a real live evil genius. I mean it, man. Just you wait. That guy will rule the whole world one day.' It was the only sensible thing Joe Anderton had ever said. Ben wished he could have told him then, that one day he _would_ be a leader; that one day he would change everything on the island. But he had been sworn to secrecy about such things and had kept that secret since he was ten years old. A few more years and then everyone would see, everyone would be proved wrong… and then he and Annie…

"You're not concentrating."

Alpert folded his arms across his chest and looked at Ben somewhat critically. They had met in the usual place, Ben perched a little uncomfortably on a moss-covered rock and Richard standing nearby. "Something's happened, hasn't it?", he said. "It's not your father again? We talked about this. You can't let him get to you…"

"My father hasn't done anything, Richard," Ben replied. "His ambitions are so low these days he barely even tries to upset me any more."

"Then why aren't you listening to me?"

"I am, I just… I… I've been wondering whether to tell you… I have someone."

A confused look crossed Richard's dark features. "You have someone for what?"

Ben wished he had kept his mouth shut. There was a big difference between wanting to shout from the mountaintops that Annie loved him and telling Richard Alpert. "I have someone," he repeated, "and I…"

"You mean there's a girl."

Ben was more than a little put out at Richard's rather disdainful tone of voice. "She's not just 'a girl', Richard. I love her and she loves me. It's… she's…"

"Wonderful, beautiful, perfect – yes, I know," Richard sighed; a little mournful, a little exasperated. "It always is the first time. But you need to stay focused on your task, Benjamin. You can't allow yourself to be distracted. I'm trying to teach you things of such immense _importance_, about Jacob, about this island, about what we need you to do… and you're wasting my time and yours daydreaming about this girl."

"Her name is Annie."

"I don't want to know her name! I don't care about her name. I care about the future of this island, Benjamin, and she will only make you forget your purpose. You can't let that happen."

"I won't," Ben promised earnestly, "I won't."

"Then you need to end it."

Angry now, Ben sprang up from the rock and glared at Richard. "You can't make demands like that," he said, trying to keep his voice level. "I won't do it."

Richard leaned back against a tree and sighed again. "I don't want to make any more demands of you, Ben," he said apologetically, "but you have to understand how much we all need you. This jeopardises everything."

"I don't see why. It doesn't have to change a thing. I won't let it."

Richard stared at him for a long time, unmoving and silent. Finally, he walked back to the tree trunk which usually served as his seat and sat down again. "Be sure that you don't," he said sternly. "Now, let's begin where we left off last month…"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus c.2004**_

_SJ seemed to take a perverse enjoyment in beating me almost senseless, although it did annoy him immensely when it transpired that he couldn't break me. He pretends to be ashamed of his past, but secretly I imagine he is more than a little proud of his ability to extract the truth from his victims. I can still take a punch, Annie, that's certainly been proved. I'd only been beaten once before and my response was much the same this time; a stubborn refusal to be provoked into giving myself away, coupled with distraction from the pain by picturing you in my mind. Some people claim to forget a person's face when that person has gone. Yours will always be in my thoughts. It brings to mind the story of the king who asked his subjects to bring him something that would make him happy when he was sad and sad when he was happy. He was brought a piece of paper with just four words written on it; This too shall pass. If I wanted to feel the same thing, I would be shown a picture of you._

* * *

As Ben had rounded a corner on his way to Annie's house, he had been grabbed by three pairs of strong hands and shoved against a wall. He had less than a second to recognise the young men – friends of Joe Anderton, whose names he had never considered important enough to learn – before a fist slammed into his face and another into his stomach, making him double up in pain, his back connecting sharply with the wall.

"Going to stalk Annie again?" one of them sneered. "You'd better stay away from her, Psycho."

Ben straightened up to his full height and fixed the boys with an icy stare. "And why do you imagine I'd listen to any warning from you?" he smirked.

Immediately the boy who had spoken punched him again. Ben tasted blood at his mouth, but made no sound.

"She's too good for you, Psycho," the second boy said. "You're not wanted here. Just stay away."

"Joe humiliates Annie and tells her he doesn't want her, then he sends his little henchmen to try and scare me off? The guy needs to make up his mind."

At this, all three boys laid into him at once; kicking, punching, delivering blow after vicious blow. None of them could provoke a single sound from Ben. Each time they knocked him down, he would stand back up, always staring one of them directly in the eye. He could feel his face swelling and he had been spitting out blood, but he refused to give them the satisfaction of hearing him cry out. Instead, he laughed; a small, low snigger almost under his breath.

"What the hell are you laughing at, Psycho?" the first boy demanded, grabbing Ben by the collar. Ben just continued to laugh. _Because I know something you don't_, he thought to himself. His meetings with Alpert had granted him a new-found confidence recently, so much so that it had begun to border on arrogance. None of this mattered to Ben any more. He was immune to anything these idiot boys could throw at him. He had something more important to prepare for and he would be patient. He could wait. And there was always the thought of Annie to distract him from the pain.

He was still being held by his shirt collar when he heard the shouts. Two figures, running towards them at full speed; one was the distinct form of Horace Goodspeed, the other Annie, looking frankly murderous.

"Come on guys, back away. Come on now," Horace called, holding out his hands to the boys in a gesture of peace. They did not move.

"Let go of him _now_!" Annie added forcefully. Ben felt his collar being released and he slumped against the wall, breathing heavily.

"What on earth is going on here?" Horace asked, looking personally affronted at the attack on Ben. "This isn't what we do on this island. Dharma does not solve things with violence. Things are supposed to be different here. You're acting like a bunch of Hostiles."

The young men looked a little sheepish. One of them began to suck at his bleeding knuckle. Ben simply couldn't resist. "Oh," he asked, feigning apology, "did you hurt your hand? I do hope my face didn't break it."

"Hey, Ben, that's enough now. It's finished," said Horace quickly, before approaching Ben's attackers. "You three. Come with me please."

They trudged reluctantly after Horace, leaving Ben alone with Annie. She walked over to him and studied his face as if appraising him. An angry black bruise was materialising over his right eye and there was a deep cut over his left and another across his cheek. He was bleeding from his nose and the corner of his mouth.

"I'll say this for you, Ben, you can take a punch," she whispered, raising a hand to touch his face but stopping before she made contact, clearly afraid of causing him more pain. "What have they done to you?"

"I suppose I should be lucky you don't love me for my looks," he said, every word a painful effort.

"Nah. Blood looks good on you," she said jokingly. "Just as long as I can still see your eyes." She paused, the forced irreverence now gone. "Are you OK?"

"Yes," he answered, doing his best to smile at her through a split lip and not entirely succeeding. "I will be."

"Embarrassed?" she asked.

"No," he answered honestly.

"Anyone else would have been. You know, girlfriend fighting their battles for them and everything."

"Do you really think I care about what they think of me?" he asked her, studying her intently.

"No," she said, smiling softly, "I guess you don't. I just wish they would accept you, Ben. I wish they saw what I see in you."

"It won't matter in the end, Annie," he said, matter-of-factly.

"No. I suppose it won't," she replied, a little surprised. "I don't care. They don't know a thing. It's just me and you against all of them."

"Annie, we are not in a Bruce Springsteen song."

She smiled then despite herself, as she always did in the end when he infuriated her enough. He loved seeing that smile. She was right though; one day it would just be the two of them and they could finally be happy. It was moments like this that made it a little more difficult for him to be patient.

"Come on," she said, wrapping an arm around him and helping him to stagger back to her house. "Let's get you cleaned up."

* * *

That night they made love for the first time, in the clearing by the fence where they knew no one would find them. Ben was shy and inexpert; despite his own face and body being covered with bruises, his main concern seemed to be not hurting Annie and he was gentle with her to the point of timidity. She hadn't expected much from him this first time, but she couldn't help feeling more than a little disappointed by the absence of the passion she had been expecting. Afterwards, afraid of saying anything that would make him feel inadequate, she lay silently in his arms and watched the moon pass behind the splayed leaves of the tree above them. Then, quietly in the dark, he told her he loved her with such feeling and sincerity that she knew his passion for her was greater than anything anyone else had ever felt towards her. He just needed to stop telling her and start showing her; but that, she reassured herself with a slight smile, would come with practice. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus c.2004**_

_According to his file, JS contested his divorce. It all seems to boil down to his neglect of his wife and his constant need for 'something to fix'. The man is an absolute idiot. Anyone who doesn't appreciate happiness until they lose it doesn't deserve to have ever had it in the first place. I was grateful for every minute I had with you. I hope it showed. I hope you knew._

* * *

As the months passed, their relationship grew ever stronger and became unlike anything Annie had ever imagined with Joe Anderton. The initial excitement had never worn off; both still spent their working days thinking of when they would next see each other and when they were together, they couldn't bear not to be close to each other, touching each other, holding and being held. Once, Ben told her he would die for her; she had laughed it off at the time to lighten the mood, but she knew in her heart that she would gladly do the same for him. Even the one aspect of their relationship which had caused her a little concern at the beginning had improved to an astonishing degree. To think he had been so shy at first and to think he was such a gentleman in public, she had never imagined…

After a year, they moved into a particularly small house which had lain empty for some years. They managed reasonably well; Dharma did not discriminate in terms of rank and everyone received the same amount of food, clothing and luxuries, but Annie still felt a little guilty that she had been assigned to one of the laboratories – studying the effects of genetic alteration to the island's wildlife – and Ben had been given the same job as his father; work man. She knew he was much better than that – they both did – but the Initiative ignored her pleas to reassign him. Strangely, he didn't seem to mind that much, but she knew he was capable of much more. If he had had no ambitions or dreams whatsoever, she would never have agreed to be his wife.

He had asked her on his twenty-third birthday. His father had, naturally, forgotten about him again and she had tried to console him by making him a birthday cake. Unfortunately, for all her technical skills with chemicals and calculations, Annie was somewhat hopeless as a cook, and Ben had come home from work to find her in a smoke-filled kitchen, frantically trying to turn off the wailing smoke alarm, with the charred remains of what once may have been a chocolate cake smouldering on the table.

"I'm so sorry," she had said, her face flushed. "You said you'd never had one, so I thought I'd make one for you. It's a cake, by the way, in case you can't tell. Or at least it _was_, before it got cremated. I was going to write 'Happy Birthday' in icing and everything. It might be all right in the middle. If you maybe just work _around_ the black bits, it might be-"

"Marry me."

"What?" Everything changes in a fraction of a second. Those two words had come out of nowhere and Annie, extremely flustered and still wearing pink oven gloves, had hardly known what to think.

"Marry me, Annie."

"You want me to… But… but I can't even bake a damn cake!"

"Well, neither can I," he had said, dropping to one knee, not caring that the floor was streaked with spilled flour. "We're obviously meant for each other."

So, for the last three years, she had made everyone call her Annie Linus, although there was no one able to officially marry them on the island. She even wore a ring; a cheap silver band which had been the best Ben could afford to buy her. He had been embarrassed to present it to her, telling her she deserved far better, but she hadn't cared. It was a symbol of his love for her and she wore it with pride.

The rest of the Dharma crowd had not responded graciously to their pretend marriage. Her workmates had been the most cruel, making Annie feel as if she was back in the classroom again. There were the snide ones: "Don't ever piss that guy off. He looks the type to come to work one morning with a shotgun and blow us all away because someone looked at him funny." There were the plain cruel ones: "Jesus Annie, he's like a little bug-eyed weasel with a smile like a cult leader." But the worst ones of all were the ones who pretended to be sincere and have her best interests at heart. Amanda – Annie's least favourite colleague - was one of this group.

"It's not that we don't like him," she said suddenly as the two of them were working side by side in the lab.

"No, not much," Annie muttered, keeping her eyes on her work.

"Seriously. It's just… well, you're so pretty and smart and… We just think you could do better. There, I've said it."

Annie was tempted to throw the contents of the test tube in her hand over Amanda's head. "Better in what way. Amanda?" she said through clenched teeth.

"Oh, I don't know. Less… creepy, I guess? I mean, he is a _little_ creepy. It's the eyes. And he's just a _work man_. You could have any man you wanted. I was always jealous of you for that. Any man you wanted and you chose him. I mean, it's not like he's devastatingly handsome or anything. He was always just this creepy little guy who hung around and stared at you all the time. Psycho Ben, everyone used to call him. Remember? And now you're calling him your _husband_. I just don't get it, Annie. I'm sorry, I don't. Why on earth did you pick him?"

Annie simply stared at her, a cold hard stare that made the other woman blush. "I picked him, Amanda," she began, her voice low and intimidating, "because he is better than all of you. I'd explain why, but you're not remotely capable of understanding. One day you'll see. He is worth a hundred of any other person here. And a thousand of you."

She stalked across the room with a strong, confident stride, leaving Amanda gawping after her. A moment before she reached the laboratory door, she spun round on her heel and locked eyes with the other woman. "Oh," she added, with a wry smile, "and he's spectacular in bed."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus c.1991**_

"_Got a date?", he asked me when he caught me looking at my watch. Of all the insensitive things my father had ever dreamed up to say to me, that was by far and away the cruellest. I'm glad I was there with him. I'm glad I finally got to make _him_ suffer. But to this day I still don't know why I couldn't bring myself to watch. _

* * *

Roger Linus was still wearing his work man's uniform from the day before; Annie guessed that he hadn't changed out of it all week. He leaned heavily against the door frame, staring at her through bleary, red-rimmed eyes. It was ten in the morning and already she could smell the drink on him.

"Nice of you to pay me a visit," he slurred. "Is he with you?".

"No. He doesn't know I'm here. Can I come in?", she asked.

He nodded, a little surprised, and ushered her through to the living-room. The curtains were drawn and the air was stale and stuffy. She gestured towards the almost-empty bottle of whisky on the table. "So sorry to bother you in the middle of breakfast," she remarked icily. He didn't respond. "Can we sit down? There's something I have to say to you."

"Is that right?" he said, smirking. "Sounds ominous."

"Mr. Linus, sit down before you fall down."

He obeyed, a little taken aback by her commanding tone. He was well aware of Annie's disdain for him - she made that perfectly clear by the expression she wore on her face every time she saw him – but she had always remained civil when Ben was there. Now they were alone, he could tell that things would be somewhat different.

"You forgot his birthday again," she said coldly.

"Yeah, I know," he replied, averting his eyes and running a hand through his hair awkwardly. "I didn't mean to. I just… you know… I didn't keep track… He's, what, twenty-six?"

"Twenty-seven."

"Yeah, I… That's what I meant..."

"It hurts him, every time. You know that." She paused to stare at him. "Is that why you do it?"

"What do you take me for? Jeez." He noticed her staring and shifted in his chair uncomfortably. "That isn't what you came to say, is it?"

"No." She paused, wondering if she should go on. "Mr. Linus, you should talk to your son."

For a few moments, he remained silent, barely moving. Then, suddenly, he lunged forward, grabbed the whisky bottle from the table and drank the last of it in one gulp. "About what?", he said scornfully. "The weather?"

Annie chose to ignore him and continued. "He's your son and the two of you have no relationship to speak of and that… bothers me. I was very close to my father and I hate to see you both like this." Roger smiled mirthlessly, now holding the bottle loosely by the neck and letting it swing slowly back and forth. "Mr. Linus, did you hear what I said? You need to sit down with Ben and work things out. You're his father. Don't you think you should start acting like it?"

Roger shook his head, not meeting her gaze. "You make it sound so easy."

"Don't start," she warned. "If you're looking for sympathy, you won't get it from me."

"What the hell do you expect me to do?"

"You could start with an apology. He deserves that."

At this, Roger laughed bitterly, slamming the bottle down onto the table. "Aw, poor little Benny," he said with mock concern. "What, you think I treat him unfairly?"

"I think you treat him appallingly."

"He took away the one thing that meant anything to me and you want me to apologise for missing a few of his birthdays?"

Annie's eyes flashed with anger. "_All_ his birthdays," she snapped. "And don't you dare blame him for Emily's death. You've thrown that at him so often he believes it really is his fault."

"It's pathetic," Roger smirked, rising from his chair.

"What is?" Annie asked.

"You, fighting his battles for him. If he was any kind of man he'd have said all this himself. Jesus, I don't know, he had have hit me or something. I'd have had more respect for him if he had."

"Ben doesn't believe in solving disputes with violence. It's one of the many things that makes him a better man than you."

"Oh, he's a better man, is he? He's such a _good, noble_ man, right?" Roger began pacing the room, occasionally resting a hand on the back of a chair or tabletop to steady himself. "You have no idea, do you?"

"Excuse me?" Annie asked coldly.

"All I'm saying is, if you want to know what kind of man my darling son really is, you should ask him about the deal he made with the Anderton kid."

Something dropped sharply in the pit of her stomach. "What do you mean?", she said.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus c. 2004**_

_It did not take long to create a divide between JS and JL. The tension was already there; I only had to encourage it. It is almost disappointingly easy to manipulate JL. He wants, so desperately, to have faith in something that he becomes almost child-like in his willingness to believe wholeheartedly in any idiotic notion presented to him. When I shook the faith he has in pushing the button – ever so slightly, it only took the tiniest effort – he was completely shattered by it. I almost felt guilty for doing it to him, but I am not sure if I am even capable of feeling guilt any more. _

* * *

Annie burst into the living room, flinging the door open with such force that it banged against the wall causing Ben to look up sharply from his work. He had been writing in his journal, as he always did on weekend mornings, and was surprised to see his wife now bearing down on him with a look of absolute fury twisting her usually-angelic features. He stood to meet her as she approached and she greeted him with a forceful slap in the face.

"You bastard!"

"Good morning, dear," he smirked, feeling the sting across his cheek but refusing to let it get the better of him. "I've missed you too."

"Oh don't, Ben. Don't you _dare_." Her eyes were flashing fire and her lips were pressed together in a harsh line. He had often seen her angry; more often than not he had deliberately _made_ her angry because he found it amusing to tease her and rather endearing when she reacted. There was, of course, the expectation of an always-passionate reconciliation as well.

"Do you plan to tell me what it is I'm supposed to have done?", he asked her, keeping his voice quiet in contrast to her furious shriek.

"This isn't one of our usual arguments, Ben," she answered, her voice now a low growl, quivering with anger. "You won't get out of this one by smirking at me. I've been speaking to your father. He had some pretty interesting things to tell me."

"What were you doing speaking to him?" Ben was already quite sure he knew the answer – she had been pushing him to try and reconcile with his father for some time - but he would not allow the mask to slip, not for a second.

"I was trying to help you two work things out. How you can work together with all this hanging over you I can't imagine. You were never going to make the first move and neither was he, so I thought I'd try."

Ben sighed, for the first time disappointed in his wife. "You shouldn't have done that, Annie."

"Why the hell not, if it's what I think is right?"

"Because I asked you not to."

"Oh, and that should be enough?" She was pacing the room now, arms flailing wildly as she raved. "You're not my lord and master, Ben, much as you like to imagine you are. As a matter of fact, after what I've heard this afternoon, I don't know what to think of you at all."

"What did he tell you?", Ben demanded, a slight note of worry creeping into his voice.

"You know damn well what he told me. About Joe, about that night we first kissed. How it was all a lie, all an act, all engineered by you. Ring any bells, Ben?"

"And you believe him? Was he sober?" He raised an eyebrow at her and leant casually against the desk, his arms folded.

"Don't try and use that as an excuse. He was telling the truth, wasn't he?", Annie asked. Her hair was softly backlit from the dim glow of the lamp in the corner and Ben could not help but think how beautiful she was, even when she was looking at him with such hatred. "You lied to me."

"Annie…"

"You've always lied. This whole marriage is founded on a lie."

Ben tried to hold her gaze, but found, for reasons unknown to him, that suddenly he was unable to look her in the eye. He dropped his gaze to stare intently at his fingernails. "Yes," he said quietly. "I lied."

Without a word, Annie turned on her heel and marched along the hall into their bedroom. Ben was only a second or two behind her, but by the time he had reached the doorway of their room, Annie was already pulling the small suitcase out of the closet and unzipping it on the bed.

"Annie, stop," he told her. "Please. Aren't you even going to listen to my explanation?"

She didn't stop to look at him, moving frantically between the closet and the bed, pulling out clothes and shoving them into the case in handfuls. "No, I'm not," she snapped. "I'll never believe another word you say. You bribed Joe into finishing with me. You let me believe all of it and you… I cried _so much_ and you held me, and you just…" She paused, her voice beginning to shake and her eyes brimming with tears.

Ben was by her side in an instant. He lay a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off violently. "Don't touch me, Ben. You're… I don't know what you are. I want to tell you you're sick, or you're crazy, but I know you're not. I could forgive the way you lie and manipulate and control everyone else; it's who you are, it's who you've always been. I even… God, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I even _liked_ it. You could wrap people around your little finger. It was… it was one of the things that attracted me to you. I never thought, not even for a second, that you could or would do that to me. But you just can't stop, can you?"

For a brief moment, Ben was at a loss. "You can't leave me," he blurted out, despising himself for sounding so desperate.

"Watch me," she spat, zipping up the suitcase and lifting it off the bed. She pushed past him to the door, glaring at him over her shoulder as she left.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus, c. 2004**_

_Do you remember the doll you carved for me? I still keep it with me, as you still have yours with you. I looked at it again today, as I do every year on my birthday. I miss you, Annie. God, I miss you. I find myself hardly able to feel anything of late, yet I still feel your absence, today more than ever. It makes me angry that I feel this way; it is a weakness and in my position I cannot afford to be anything other than completely cold. I should be made of stone, but as long as I remember you, I can't. You always did keep me human. _

* * *

She knew that her mother was secretly glad that she had come home. Gloria Tyler, a gracefully-ageing version of Annie who shared her daughter's delicate features and intelligent eyes, had always been the maternal type. Since Annie had arrived in tears on her doorstep, suitcase in hand, she had swamped her with hugs and sympathy and her famous chocolate brownies. Annie could not deny that, despite her grief, she was enjoying being spoiled.

"When you came home that day and told me about the two of you," Gloria explained one evening as the two of them were curled up together on the couch, "I couldn't help but let every protective maternal instinct I had rise to the surface. There was always something about the boy that made me fear for you, Annie. He made me nervous just by being in the same room."

Annie looked up at her mother. "I thought you didn't like him because of his job."

"Well, I must admit I had higher hopes for my future son-in-law than a work man, Annie, but I was content to put up with that as long as I thought he was… treating you properly. Respecting you. Taking care of you."

"He does. I mean, he did." Annie began to pick absentmindedly at a thread hanging from her sleeve, avoiding her mother's gaze.

"He's dangerous, sweetheart. After this, you just don't know what he's capable of. He could have turned violent. He could have…" She stopped mid-sentence, her hand flying to her mouth, unable to continue. Annie could guess what Gloria would have said.

"He would never do that," she said firmly. "Not to me."

Her mother reached out and took hold of her hand. "Oh, honey. You used to say he would never lie to you."

* * *

"You'll be delighted to hear Annie has left me."

It was the first thing he had said to Richard that night, as soon as he had appeared at their meeting-place. The Hostile had looked a little taken aback.

"I see," he said, finally, apparently unused to dealing with such situations. "May I ask why?"

"Because," Ben explained bitterly, "your future leader and saviour of this island is also a deceitful little bastard. I do hope you're proud of me. I certainly consider this my finest hour."

Richard sat, tapping his foot on the soft ground, unsure of how to proceed. "You look like you haven't slept," he said. "Are you looking after yourself? We can't have you ill."

"I haven't slept or eaten for days. I believe it's standard practice in these situations. So, now you know. Can we get on with our murderous plotting now please?"

Richard sighed, disapproving of Ben making light of such matters. "Ben, it's probably for the best. There are no complications now, no distractions. You'll work better alone. Feelings get in the way of what's important."

Ben took up his usual place on the large rock opposite Richard, but did not look directly at him. "You know, Richard," he said, the hint of a cold smile playing on his lips, "if I actually believed a word of that, I'd be thanking my stars that my life will be a hell of a lot shorter than yours."

"Better to have loved and lost, you mean?", Richard asked. "That's rather naïve, Benjamin."

Ben's smile grew a little wider and much, much colder. "I rather think you're the naïve one, Richard," he answered. "I just said Annie had left me. I never said I wouldn't get her back. Now, I think it's time I knew everything, don't you?"

"Yes," Richard said, a little reluctantly. "It's time."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus, c.2004**_

_I implied to JL that my 'birth', the shedding of my past and my emergence as the man I am today, happened on the day of the Purge. That's not entirely true; it happened months before, when RA finally revealed the last and the most important of the island's secrets to me. You noticed immediately, of course; you said I seemed different. And I was. It was more than confidence then, more than knowing how powerful I could become. It was the thought that had been playing over and over in my mind since that moment; at last I am born._

* * *

She should have known he would find her there.

It had been almost two months since she had left Ben. He had come to her mother's house countless times, but she always refused to see him. He had written her letters, but she had burned them unopened. Her workmates had been a lot friendlier towards her since the news of their separation had spread, which she despised. Her mother, as always, had been wonderful to her, but she still felt utterly alone. Despite herself, she missed him. She had been going to the clearing, her place, every night for the last week, to sit and be on her own. Every night she had thought of nothing but him. Now he was here, she didn't know whether she wanted to forgive him or strangle him.

"Annie."

She scrambled to her feet quickly, turning to face him. He looked no different; same striped shirt and khakis, same hair that stuck upwards no matter what he did with it and those same intense blue eyes, yet something about him had altered. The tiniest change, almost imperceptible, but there was something distinctly different about the man.

"Don't leave. I need to see you, Annie. It's been fifty-three days."

"You're counting the days since we last spoke?" she asked incredulously, pretending she had not done the same.

"You want the time in hours? Minutes? I can give you both."

She would never be able to explain to herself what it was that made her stay. She folded her arms and cocked her head silently, waiting for his explanation.

"I'm not a powerful man, Annie," he began. "At least, not in the way people would like a man to be powerful. I get what I want by being subtle; by persuasion, sometimes by lies. I can plant an idea in someone's head and make them believe they thought of it in the first place. I can find a weak spot in the strongest mind and I know how to target it in order to get my way. Given enough time, I can make a person do almost anything I want. You know all this already. I have only felt any trace of guilt once, when I deceived you. I had to break you down, hurt you enough for you to look at me, see me in that way - why else would you ever have looked at me? – but I hate myself for doing it. Joe Anderton would have hurt you eventually; it isn't in his nature to be faithful. I should have waited. I should have acted honourably. I was impatient. The night you left, it finally made me feel…"

"Guilty?"

"Ashamed."

Annie dropped her arms and took a small step towards him, but her expression remained stony as he continued:

"I make no apology for what I am, what I have done and what I will continue to do. I have no intention of changing my ways or turning off the path that has already been set for me. But I hurt you, Annie, and for that I am truly sorry. You will never begin to know how much. I love you, beyond anything else. My lone regret is that I couldn't restrain myself enough to deserve you."

She sighed heavily, a slight shakiness in her breathing. "The fact is, Ben, that you didn't need to go to all that trouble," she said finally. "You could have had me any time. All you had to do was ask."

He left a long pause before he next spoke: "Oh, _now_ you tell me," he said.

She laughed, just a little, despite herself and knew instantly that she would not be able to resist forgiving him for long. The man was a downright liar, but sometimes – just sometimes - his sincerity was unmistakable.

Annie took a few more steps towards him, wishing he would try to embrace her, but he did not. "What's happened to you?", she asked softly. "You're… different."

"I know," he replied. "I've learnt a lot these past weeks."

"Hm, very enigmatic. I'm never going to find out what that means, am I?"

"Yes," he said. "One day you will. I promise."

She was standing only inches from him now, but still he made no move. "You are aware that I despise you, right?", she asked him.

"I'd gathered that," he answered, his old familiar smirk making its first appearance of the evening. "Doesn't mean you haven't missed me too."

She was tempted to slap him. "Ah, not that different after all, then. Still the old familiar Ben Linus, always thinking he can read people's m-"

It had always been his preferred way of shutting her up. As he kissed her, she let the relief wash over her as she finally felt the familiar warmth of his arms, one circled around her waist, the other buried in her hair, as her own hands began to caress his shoulders and the soft skin at the nape of his neck. His kiss was gentle but powerful, letting her know in the most wonderful of ways that he was very much in charge. She felt him push her gently backwards and her breath caught in her throat as her back connected with the trunk of the tree behind her and his lips broke free of hers. Neither said a word; the only sound she heard was her own breathing, quick and shallow as Ben seized both her slender wrists in one hand and raised her arms above her head, pinning them firmly against the rough tree bark. He began to kiss her neck and collarbone softly, sending shivers down her spine as she stood frozen and powerless, making her want him more than she ever had before. She strained against his hold on her wrists, but his grip tightened as he brought his face close to hers. His eyes locked their gaze on her own and bore such an intensity that she shuddered, just a little. His lips were almost brushing hers; more than anything, she wanted to close the gap between them and taste his kiss again, but Ben was in complete control and she found herself unwilling to argue. After an excruciating, seemingly endless time, his mouth met hers again, this time hard and urgent. _He may be a different man, _she thought to herself as she succumbed completely to the moment, _but he's certainly one I can live with. _

* * *

He didn't think he'd ever heard such wonderful news in his life. Being told he was the saviour of the island all those years ago didn't even come close to what his wife had said just now, out of the blue, as he was preparing breakfast.

"You're _what_?", he shouted, turning to her and gripping her arms as they stood together in the kitchen, half-buttered toast abandoned on the table.

She beamed proudly at him. "You heard me."

At this, he dropped his head and went very quiet. He heard her ask him if he was all right, but didn't answer, too shocked and too ecstastic to speak.

"Is this… not good news?" she said, breaking away from him, her hand instinctively moving to brush the hair away from her face as she often did when she was nervous.

"Annie, it's…" he began, not sure if a word had yet been invented which could convey how he felt, "it's…"

She stared at him, a smile spreading slowly across her face. "Benjamin Linus, are you lost for words?"

He wrapped her in his arms and kissed her forehead gently. "Never thought you'd see the day, did you?"

"I was thinking," she said, a little shyly, "I mean, I know it's a little early, but, well… if it's a boy, I'd like to name him after my father. And, if it's a girl, I think we should call her Emily. If you like."

It was almost unfair, he thought as he held Annie close to him, that honest, decent people can go their entire lives without any happiness, when a liar and traitor like him – destined to be a killer too before the year was out - had so much more than he deserved.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus c.2003**_

_It was because I was lonely and because Juliet looks nothing like you, Annie. There was nothing about her that reminded me of you, which was something of a relief at the time, but now, it makes me want you back with me even more, if that is possible. You were never cold or calculating like she is, you never played games (I suppose you left all that to me). The whole Juliet business has been a colossal and irreversible mistake. I swear I will never betray your memory again. Forgive me._

* * *

He hated leaving her. He always hated leaving her. He wondered what she would think if she ever woke up to find him missing. Every night he would stand and gaze at her, sleeping peacefully and breathing softly and every night he would almost forget everything – Alpert, Jacob, the approaching Purge – and stay with his wife as he knew he should. _Almost_. Annie believed that the two of them had never spent a night apart since they moved into this house. In truth, Ben had spent nearly every other night out in the jungle, thoughts of her eclipsed by other things - duty, tactics, strategy, leadership – a world away from what she must be dreaming as she lay alone, without him.

_I won't go_, he thought to himself as he watched her by the sliver of moonlight that crept in between the curtains, turning her still form into a sleeping marble statue, pale and pure and beautiful. _Just for tonight, I won't go. _

But he knew he would, even as he formed the words in his head. He knew he would turn away from her and walk out the door.

* * *

He had been gone for three hours. Annie had lain awake all that time, alone in their bedroom, thinking up a hundred different possibilities for his whereabouts. In the daylight hours, when she was in a rational frame of mind, she doubted it was anything to do with another woman. But now, in the early hours of morning, after she had heard her husband slip out of bed, dress and leave the house again, the nagging dread began to prey on her mind. She made a mental list of the other women in the barracks and could not prevent herself from imagining each of them in Ben's arms. Perhaps it was a work colleague; maybe one of them was taking sick delight in taunting Annie for her choice of husband along with the rest, but was secretly meeting him in the middle of the night. Maybe the smirking redhead who was still seething over Annie's promotion to senior technician. Maybe Amanda, who had decided to test the veracity of Annie's flippant remark from years ago. Maybe someone she barely knew. Maybe no one at all. Maybe he simply couldn't sleep and had gone for a walk. Maybe…

Her train of thought was cut short as Annie heard the slight creak of the back door opening. She shifted her position and closed her eyes, feigning sleep as she had every other night. She would confront Ben about his nocturnal disappearances, but not now. Not yet. She noted each sound as it came - the door closing, soft footsteps along the hall and into the bedroom, shoes and clothing being removed and put away oh-so-carefully – until finally Ben slipped under the covers and lay beside her, breathing heavily. He had been outside, past the fence, in the jungle. Annie could smell the leaves and the night air on him and was relieved not to sense any trace of another woman's scent.

She felt movement beside her; a hand softly brushing away the hair streaked across her face and Ben's breath, hot on her skin. She concentrated hard on not giving herself away by moving or opening her eyes as she felt his kiss upon her cheek, tender and soft as a whisper, before he moved away.

Within minutes, she could tell he was asleep. Not for the first time, Annie lay awake for hours, her mind haunted with thoughts she wished she could ignore, until exhaustion finally took over.

* * *

She woke up in pain again; vicious, clenching cramps that took her breath away. This was the eighth morning in the course of a month that she had felt them. After the fourth time, her mother had urged her to see the doctor, who had examined her - too briefly in Gloria's opinion - and reassured her that everything was normal. He had smiled as he told her that both she and the baby were perfectly healthy, but Annie still worried. The pain was too severe for everything to be normal. She had suffered from a little morning-sickness in the first two months, but now there was shaking and sweating and pain like an iron fist tightening over and over around her middle. The cramps only lasted a few seconds each and passed quickly, so she would grit her teeth and suffer them silently or make an excuse to leave the room, making sure never to cry out or flinch when Ben was there. She knew he would panic if he found out. She had only ever seen him in that state once before, when she had caught a virus at nineteen and almost lapsed into a coma; he hadn't known that she was conscious when he shouted at both the doctor and Annie's mother, repeating over and over that they were not doing enough for her. He had sounded choked and utterly desperate and she had been extremely surprised to hear it; normally he never even raised his voice. If she told him about the pain, she knew he would react in the same way, especially after what had happened to his mother.

One final, fierce spasm and the cramps subsided. Annie curled up in bed and breathed deeply to calm her nerves. She brushed the hair away from her face, damp with sweat. Ben was still asleep beside her, silent and extremely still; he had pushed the sheets off himself in the humid, airless night and they lay tangled around his waist. Annie watched him in the semi-darkness and noted the narrow slope of his shoulders, the curve of his arm, the way his head rested lightly on his hand, the familiar pensive look on his sleeping face. Most people looked peaceful when they slept; Ben – with his furrowed brow and tight frown – always looked as though he carried the weight of the world. There were times when Annie wondered why she had remained with Benjamin Linus. If anyone else had done the things he had, she would never have forgiven them, never have stayed. There were times when she truly believed her love for him would be the death of her. Right now, she desperately wanted to know where he went for hours in the middle of the night. It was moments like this, however – simply watching him sleep in the quiet, early hours - that reassured her she was in the right place, with the right man; that she had made the right choice.

"You're staring."

His voice startled her out of her reverie, making her jump. He had a habit of catching her off guard like that and she had never been fond of it. He hadn't even opened his eyes.

"You're supposed to be asleep," she whispered.

"I was. Your staring woke me up. Stop it. It's unnerving." He was smirking at her now, his eyes glinting devilishly in the half-light.

"Benjamin Linus, if I wasn't almost five months pregnant, I'd…"

"Oh, you'd what?", he mocked playfully, sliding closer to her and running his hand lightly down her bare arm.

"I'd murder you horribly for smirking at me like that."

"You wouldn't," he whispered. "You'd miss me too much. You'd miss this." He leant over, pressing his body onto hers and moved in to kiss her, but she held him at bay, cupping his face with a hand that, she was surprised to notice, was shaking.

"Would you miss me?" she said urgently. "If something happened to me, if I – hypothetically, I mean - would you miss me?"

Ben released her and turned onto his back, breathing heavily. "I believe they call that 'ruining the moment', Annie."

"I'm sorry," she sighed. "I'm just being ridiculous. It's five in the morning. I don't think straight at five in the morning." There was a long silence as they lay side by side, not looking at one another. The heat in the small bedroom was cloying and almost unbearable.

"Yes," Ben said eventually, in a very matter-of-fact tone.

"What?"

"Yes, I'd miss you. In point of fact, Annie, if anything happened to you I really can't imagine myself wanting to go on living. If I woke up one day and you weren't there next to me, if you were gone, I don't see how I could possibly be happy ever again. Does that satisfy your question?"

"Does that mean you're happy now?" she asked.

He turned back to her and kissed her lightly on the forehead. "I think you already know," he said.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus c.2004**_

_Nobody lifted a finger to stop JL beating MB to a pulp. They used to do everything I demanded of them before JL's arrival. Now they seem to have lost faith in me, but it will only be temporary. After all, how big a threat can JL be to me lying in that ditch?_

* * *

Only Annie and Horace Goodspeed had ever remembered Ben's birthday. Horace would grin at him and wish him 'many happy returns' as they passed outside or in a corridor. When Ben was younger, he had tried to reassure him and make him feel better about his father's neglect; it hadn't worked, but Ben appreciated his efforts. Horace had always understood him better than his father had. It was Horace's face he saw every time he had doubts about his plan. _It would be a shame. He's a good man. He doesn't deserve it like the others do. _In his heart, however, he knew that he could not make exceptions. Apart from one.

"How are things progressing?" Alpert had dispensed with the friendly greetings now. It was always straight to business.

"I still need more time to build up the supply. Three months should do it. I can't take too many canisters at once without them noticing the loss."

"Three months. Good. We'll hold you to that, Ben." Richard smiled a little. "You're doing very well."

"I need to ask a favour, " Ben said. "Or, rather, I need to impose a condition."

"'Impose a condition'? Benjamin, we'd rather you didn't make demands of us _just_ yet…"

Ben continued, ignoring Alpert's rather affronted protest. "My wife. I want her to stay with me, Richard."

Alpert's dark eyes narrowed. "She isn't your wife, Ben. If we're being honest. And she can't stay. You can't pick and choose who lives and who doesn't. That's not the deal. We only want you."

"If we're being _honest_, Richard," said Ben, moving closer across the jungle floor with barely a sound, "you need me to do this for you or it simply can't be done. Which would place me in a position where I'm able to make as many demands as I want."

"Benjamin, be careful," Alpert said, looking down coldly at him. "I think you're forgetting who you're talking to."

"Annie's life will be spared, Richard, or I won't do a single thing for you and your people."

"They're _your_ people, Ben. They've been waiting for this for years and so have you. You've been very patient. Don't throw it all away over a girl. You're better than that. You're so much more important. Please." Richard had never said 'please' before. _I really have him worried_, Ben thought to himself.

"I love her. She's pregnant with my child. They mean more to me than even this island. Either you take all of us or none of us. It's a very simple choice, Richard."

"We may not be able to take care of the entire compound by ourselves, Ben, but we aren't entirely powerless," Alpert warned, with a barely discernible waver in his voice. "You know that. If she is the only thing holding you back, we'll take her out of the equation. We're not bad people, but… we will do what is necessary. I'm sorry, Ben. I don't want to have to threaten you…"

He sounded apologetic, almost sincere, as he spoke of ending Annie's life. Ben's body tensed and his pupils were little more than pinpricks as he stared Alpert down. "Was that really a threat, Richard?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Because what I heard sounded a lot more like the last attempt of a desperate man at asserting his authority. If you were trying to scare me into letting her die with the rest of them, then you failed. When you ask me to choose between you and her, you will always fail. Now listen to me, Alpert. In three months' time, I will have collected enough gas to kill every Dharma operative in the compound. When it's over, you and your people will move in and Annie will be there at my side. She will be protected and she will be welcomed. If you make any attempt to hurt her, I'll use one of the canisters on myself. Your people need me, Richard. You've said so, many times... I very much hope we can reach a compromise."

Richard looked at Ben long and hard, his arms folded and a strained expression on his face. "She'll distract you," he said, rather sadly. "She'll come between you and your duty to the island. Her and the child. Are you sure you can devote your attentions to both your family and your work?"

"Do you really think so little of me, Richard? I'm hurt." Ben could sense he was winning now. It was always obvious to him when the other person was beginning to cave.

"Won't she object when you tell her what has to be done? Can you be certain she'll stand by you if she knows what's going to happen?", asked Richard, with a small sigh of resignation.

Ben looked at him with calm, steely eyes. "I'll talk her into it."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

_**Extract from the journal of Benjamin Linus, c.2004**_

_Alex has betrayed me to the others. I suppose it was inevitable; were you here, you would have told me as much. I have only ever tried to protect her. Perhaps I overreacted, but I simply could not let it happen again. I could tell her it is for her own good, but that would be a lie; it is for mine. I couldn't bear to see it happen again, Annie. She is lost to me now, of course. I doubt she will forgive me the way you did. _

_This may be the last time I write to you; perhaps JS and the others will decide to kill me, or perhaps the unthinkable will happen. I may yet see you again, Annie. I hope you are not still angry for what happened. Please forgive me; it is my fault that you are not still here with me. You would be proud of me today, my darling. After a very long time of doing little else, I'm finally done lying. I will meet with JS today and talk him out of condemning all of us. And I will tell the truth. _

* * *

"Where do you go at night?"

This stopped him in his tracks as they entered the clearing. Annie allowed herself a small amount of satisfaction knowing that for once, she had caught him off guard. It only took him a split-second to regain his composure.

"I wasn't aware you knew about that," he replied, his voice quiet and calm.

"Well clearly I'm a lighter sleeper than you think. Almost every night I hear you leave, Ben. You're gone for hours." She took a deep breath to keep her voice steady. "Is there someone else?"

He stared at her in utter bemusement. "I have you, Annie," he said. "Who else could I possibly want?" From anyone else, this would have sounded corny and unconvincing, but from Ben, it was utterly sincere. His genuinely baffled expression assured her that he was telling the truth.

"Then where do you go?", she demanded.

He paused for a moment, staring intently at the ground and biting his lower lip ever so slightly as if trying to win out over some internal struggle. Finally, he turned back to her and she almost gasped when she saw the look in his eyes; hunted and haunted and very afraid. He moved in close and gripped her arms tightly, as if to support himself.

"Annie," he began solemnly, "soon, something is going to happen here that will change everything. Now I'm going to explain exactly what I mean and I need you to listen to me. The Hostiles are planning an attack on the barracks using poison gas - very swift, very efficient – with the intention of wiping out every last Dharma operative on this island. "

Annie's breath caught in her throat. "My God. H-how do you know all this?", she asked in a choked whisper.

"Because when everything has been taken care of, I'm going to be their leader."

She pulled away from him sharply. "Is this some kind of joke?" Immediately she wondered what made her say something so idiotic; Ben had never looked so serious in his life.

"Annie, please," he said derisively. "You're smarter than that."

Everything can change in a fraction of a second. Annie had always thought she was familiar with every inch of him, every hurt, every desire, every hope and fear. Now she looked at her husband, her Ben, and she did not know him. "_You_?"

"How do you think they got the gas?" His face was expressionless now, his voice flat. For the first time, Annie saw the same coldness in Ben that the others had always seen and it frightened her. She tried to justify his words, tell herself that Ben was too rational to do anything so terrible without good reason, but it was impossible.

"But… why?" she asked hopelessly. "I know it's not been easy for you living here, Ben. I know some of them have given you a hard time, but this is-"

"There are far more important reasons for doing this than petty revenge, Annie. I promise I'll explain everything when the time is right, but it has to be done. The island requires that it be done."

She was at a loss now, as she stared at the man who used to be her husband. She shook her head in disbelief, because she had no idea what else to do. "You're crazy."

At this, Ben rolled his eyes and began to look a little irritated. "Annie, I asked you to listen to me and all you can do is spout clichés that you know aren't remotely true."

She paused for a moment. "When?"

"December 21st."

"Your birthday."

"The coincidence hasn't gone unnoticed."

She backed away from him, stepping slowly in the direction of the barracks. "You're going to kill them all," she whispered, her voice trembling. "Everyone I've ever known, you're going to… Jesus Ben, are you going to kill _me_?"

Immediately, he was beside her, wrapping his arms around her as if holding on for dear life. She struggled, wanting to keep her distance, but she knew it would do no good; Ben had always been surprisingly strong. He brought his face close to hers and spoke softly in her ear; "No. Never. Annie, listen. I would never hurt you. You know that. They've given me a gas mask for you to wear until the area clears. You'll be safe. You'll stay with me."

"With you and the Hostiles?", she spat, her tone somewhere between disbelief and disgust.

"They're not bad people, Annie. They're… they're the good guys. If you knew half the things they've taught me, about Dharma, about this island…"

"They've brainwashed you. Told you lies, made you believe them."

"Do you really think I could be brainwashed, Annie? I'm a little insulted. It wasn't brainwashing; it was an education. You asked me where I go at night. I go into the jungle, to meet one of them. I've been going there since I was ten."

"You've been slipping outside the fence to meet the Hostiles for _seventeen years_?"

"Well, they did tell me to be patient."

Annie struggled against his hold on her again and managed to break free. She took a few steps back, tensing her muscles ready to run. "I can't let you do this, Ben," she told him, her eyes never leaving him as she edged further and further away.

"Where are you going?"

"Where do you think, Ben? To tell them. To warn them. We can fight those people off if-"

At once, he lunged towards her and caught her again, pushing her backwards and pinning her against a tree. As he gripped both her wrists in one of his hands, her mind was instinctively drawn back to that night, five months ago, before everything changed, and she hated herself for recalling such a memory now. "Annie, this has to happen," he said. "I don't have time to explain everything, but I need you to trust me. The Dharma Initiative are bad people. They need to be purged, for the good of the island and everyone else on it."

"Purged? That's what you're calling it? I suppose it sounds a little nicer than 'murdered'."

"We can't go on this way, Annie; Dharma and the Hostiles. One side has to go. I'm begging you to do the sensible thing and choose the winning side. Survive and be with me. With everything they've done here, they've been heading towards this for years." She saw the haunted look flash across his eyes again. His voice changed and he was almost her Ben once more; "Please, Annie, I… can't do this alone."

Almost without thinking, Annie shot out a foot and delivered a sharp kick to Ben's shin. As he flinched in pain, she wrenched her hands free of his and with her left, punched him squarely in the jaw. He stepped back, staring at her in absolute shock, blood at the corner of his mouth. She could only stare back, wondering how the two of them had arrived at this.

"You already are alone, Benjamin," she said, a trace of his coldness seeping into her voice. "You made yourself that way." She turned away as if to stride out of the clearing, but was suddenly seized by the same searing agony that often woke her in the early hours of the morning; the iron grip tightening around her stomach and squeezing the breath from her lungs. She staggered, flailing out a hand towards the tree trunk to stop herself from collapsing.

Instantly Ben was at her side, catching her in his arms as she clutched at him breathlessly, absolute terror in her eyes. The pain was worse than before, much worse. She felt a warm sensation between her legs and looked down to find her white cotton dress stained with vivid red blood. A small cry escaped her throat as her knees buckled and Ben laid her gently onto the grass.

"Annie? Annie, oh God, what's happening?" He looked exactly the way he did that day when they were nineteen and she was seriously ill, when he had screamed at the doctors to help her. When he thought he would lose her.

"They said it would be OK. The doctor s-said it…" Another spasm made her close her eyes tightly in pain.

"How long has this been going on?" he asked, his voice so uncontrolled it barely sounded like Ben. "Why did you keep this from me? You should have told me!"

She managed to gasp enough air into her lungs to whisper one word; "Hypocrite."

He flinched a little, just a little, before raising himself up onto one knee and cupping her frightened face in his hands as he spoke urgently; "Annie, listen to me. I'm going to run back to the barracks and get help. I'll be as fast as I can."

"No. Ben, please," she protested, "it's too far. There isn't enough time." She cried out again, a sharp scream that rang out harshly in the stillness of the clearing.

"I have to try, Annie."

He meant to stand, but she grabbed his arm and pulled him back down with what little strength she had. "No. Just stay with me. Please. Stay with me."

They looked deep into each other's eyes then, and both knew that there was nothing that could help her. Annie's supervisor at the lab had told her once that animals know when they are about to die. She wondered if they felt as terrified as she was at the realisation. Ben cradled her in his arms, holding onto her tightly as if trying to keep her with him.

"Ben," she said, looking up at him through stinging tears, "promise me you won't go through with it. With what you said. Promise me you won't be that man."

Before he could reply, she cried out again, beads of cold sweat breaking out across her brow as the colour drained from her face.

"Annie? Annie, oh God, please, don't…". Suddenly he looked away from her and stared into the distance, calling furiously and desperately to some unseen presence. "I've done everything you wanted! Please. Not her. Not her. _Please don't take her away from me_!"

Annie's breathing became shallower and her body became heavier in his arms as she lost the strength to hold herself up. Her eyes, usually sparkling with life, grew dull as she strained to keep her eyelids open.

"I love you, Ben," she whispered, every word a painful effort.

"No you don't," he said sadly, stroking loose strands of her hair off her face. "I've lost you. It's all my fault. I did this. It's the shock of what I told you. It's my fault…"

"Ben, listen to me. This is not your fault. Not your mother, not me. It just happens. It's fate, or it's… bad luck. It's not your fault.. " She felt her hands begin to shake and a hard, painful lump form in her throat. "Ben, I'm… I'm so scared."

"I'm here," he said, holding her as tightly as he possibly could.

"I know," she replied, "You always have been."

Tears began to spill down his cheeks; the first time Annie had seen him cry since they were children. "I will never love anyone the way I love you," he said, his voice choked with sobbing.

"Damn right," she replied, attempting to smile, "I'd expect nothing less."

They remained silent then, for a few moments, because there was simply nothing left to say, until Annie felt herself becoming cold and the world around her seemed to grow darker, as if someone was dimming the lights, and she knew she had run out of time.

"I don't want to go, Ben," she cried desolately with her last ounce of strength, clutching at him with cold hands as if pleading with him not to let her go. "Please, I don't want to die. I need more time!"

All he could do was hold her, lowering his tear-stained face to hers and kissing her softly for the last time. "I've got you. You're OK. You'll be OK."

Her final word was spoken so quietly it was almost inaudible, almost snatched away by the light breeze blowing gently through the clearing: "Liar."


End file.
